With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean