With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing