If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder