With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off

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REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.

DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!


Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork


A fish’s Google search history:
– do fish have short term memory?
– do fish have short term memory?
– do fish have short term memory?


[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen


I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.


Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late


The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.


Wife: Let’s go outside.

3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me.

Wife: Deer don’t eat people

3: The zombie ones do

Wife: Get your dad. Now.


Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.


I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.