@InternetHippo

With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off

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@CodyJP9412

REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.

DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

@LaziestCanine

A fish’s Google search history:
– do fish have short term memory?
– do fish have short term memory?
– do fish have short term memory?

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

@PeaceInTruth1

I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.

@SassyChantelle

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

@simoncholland

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Let’s go outside.

3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me.

Wife: Deer don’t eat people

3: The zombie ones do

Wife: Get your dad. Now.

@SentenceReduced

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

@AimeeHelene1

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.