Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“our sushi is very fresh”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.