With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
They’re not wrong
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Fight
my sentiments exactly
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut