They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I know karate and tons of other words.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.