With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Autocarrot sucks!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do