@junejuly12

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

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@joejwest

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

@JWilsonGA

Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*

@ericsshadow

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@NoFlipFlops

Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person’s picture, whisper “It has to look like an accident”, walk away.

@DaddyJew

At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol