With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
#FunnyLife Insects
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
#damn
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.