With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute

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Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
I still have Pringles?


My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.


Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have?

6yo: $60

Me: That’s correct, son.


The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


Wife: Am I grotesque?

Me: No, angel cake!

Wife: Why did you call me a cake?

Me: Cake is round?

*runs *


The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.


God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol


Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!