Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.