Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
I still have Pringles?
With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute
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My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have?
Me: That’s correct, son.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Wife: Am I grotesque?
Me: No, angel cake!
Wife: Why did you call me a cake?
Me: Cake is round?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!