With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Home is where your toilet is.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?