With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
i- i did not expect this
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.