With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??