With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille