With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
How to draw a duck
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands