With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”