With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me