If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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“Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace”
“Why, there’s nothing for them in Keny-”
“Right, that’s wh
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I’d never cheat on you.
TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay….hey, when did we get that wardrobe?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.
Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.
Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY