@DancesWithTamis

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

You Might Also Like

@BoomBoomBetty

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

@michaeljhudson

“Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace”

“Why, there’s nothing for them in Keny-”

“HAWAII, sir”

“Right, that’s wh

@ThisOneSayz

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

@jenlaw_11

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

@_GrahamPatrick

[bedroom]

TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I’d never cheat on you.

TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay….hey, when did we get that wardrobe?

@Darlainky

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

@rickolantern

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

@ArfMeasures

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

@PondHockeyPro

Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.

*starts car

Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.

Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY