@PinkCamoTO

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

- @PinkCamoTO

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@TheCatWhisprer

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

@DjJazzyJeffro

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

@AimeeHelene1

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

@KevinFarzad

Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That’s like naming your kid Dentist.

@Ygrene

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

@JohnLyonTweets

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@SilleVio

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.