Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

You Might Also Like


I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days


When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.


Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.


*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”


– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.


Recreational drugs?

No thanks, I went pro years ago.


Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.


{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!


[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
M: Like to screw?
M: Hey! Where are you going?