@PinkCamoTO

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

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@legendofchelda

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

@Tierno158

When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.

@1Happytwit

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

@whatmaddness

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

@SamuelHLowe

– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.

@shkeeber

Recreational drugs?

No thanks, I went pro years ago.

@ClichedOut

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

@AmericanGent69

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?