Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.