Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?