[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
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A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
*puts words between two asterisks*
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”