Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My wedding will be open casket.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]