[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank