God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*
You Might Also Like
My favorite restaurant review
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[william shakespeare as an 8yo]
william: dost thou not…
dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.