@romiza_

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

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@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

@UncleDuke1969

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

@josePhDhoran

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

@SpacePlankton

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

@jonnysun

*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO

@FeralCheryls

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

@novicefather

[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!

@ch000ch

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

@ddsmidt

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.