@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

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@sad_jake

Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
Me: FUUUUUUUCK

@K_Chapacabra

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

@pleatedjeans

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

@Importantest

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

@ThaJawn

Stick: *drowning in ocean

Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..

@GrantTanaka

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

@saucy_peaches

Why are you so pissed?

You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…

@robdelaney

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

@MAB1013

I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.