me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
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Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh
Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
The first rule of cliff hanger club is
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Hey, hot girl at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number instead of hers : the jokes on you, I just won Oilers tickets and a Bud Light poncho
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
*strips & lies on the couch*
Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.
Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.
I am a woman, hear my eyes roll.
this came to me in a vision