@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

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@Darlainky

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

@JasonLastname

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

@OfficialBanks93

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

@PlopWaffle

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

@signalborder

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

@refreshingslurp

Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes