@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

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@harvardgraduat

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@DillDoes

Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh

@portmanteauface

Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

@PJTLynch

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

@consensualcline

Hey, hot girl at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number instead of hers : the jokes on you, I just won Oilers tickets and a Bud Light poncho

@robfee

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

@violet_heartin

*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.