Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Stick: *drowning in ocean
Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Why are you so pissed?
You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.