I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.