If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
You Might Also Like
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW