Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised

Husbands: We have a cure

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My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.


“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”


Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.



ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good


Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.


[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare


If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.


It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”


Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.