Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”