@tastefactory

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

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@_wangwe

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

@WritePlay

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

@SirEviscerate

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

@HRTSMRT

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

@dinnersruined

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

@CatherineLMK

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

@punished_picnic

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

@drayzze

Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.

@TheJessicaLong

The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.

@coryrichardson_

[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie