Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.


Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.


“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”


My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.


Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.


Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.


mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon


Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.


The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.


[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie