Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Taking phone security to the next level.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.