Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.