Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.
Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!
Me: Oh wait. Shit.
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
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me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)
*pulls handle on slot machine
*diarrhea comes out