@NewDadNotes

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

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@evilmallelis

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

@ehdannyboy

I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium

@ThatMummyLife

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

@KateBrauning

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

@AmericanGent69

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@dshack8

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

@1MeLrO

At what age do you say never again and actually mean it.

@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?