I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
This is the best one I’ve seen
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING