How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
You Might Also Like
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
🚲+physics = winner
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*