“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

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*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”


[grocery store with 2yo]

Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?

Me: a vasectomy


Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.


BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add


*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.


Lovers decided to commit suicide. The boy jumped first. The girl did not. From that day, started the concept of…Ladies First. @Laugh_Riot


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well


airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.


If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.