“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
You Might Also Like
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence