*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[grocery store with 2yo]
Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?
Me: a vasectomy
Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Lovers decided to commit suicide. The boy jumped first. The girl did not. From that day, started the concept of…Ladies First. @Laugh_Riot
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.