@AmishPornStar1

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

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@atanya1111

“Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl” – me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.

@DevenRue

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

@AndrewNadeau0

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@aksorojas

fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me

@novicefather

Bro. It’s not ladies man, it’s ladies’ man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

@StupiDucker

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

@leechee420

If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.