@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

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@mrjohndarby

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

@momtransparent1

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

@ch000ch

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

@JohnLyonTweets

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

@ClichedOut

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

@MariyaAlexander

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

@Lavadog93

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

@Divergentmama

I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.

@PaperWash

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.