@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

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@HRTSMRT

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

@LizHackett

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.

@pittdave13

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

@LittleMissAngr1

Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!

Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?

Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

@SadieSkyNinja

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

@Gupton68

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

@TweetPotato314

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him