@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

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@chris_witha_see

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

@WisdomGifs

You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.

@bjaynash

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

@TravLeBlanc

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

@Dildotron

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

@_elvishpresley_

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

@crylenol

*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?

@eliserose5

I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.

@michaelianblack

Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.