@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

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@simoncholland

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

@kelkatcox

Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??

@BlackJerms

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

@Ideal_Victoria

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

@yab_kat

[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car

@Fab_Mommy_

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

@molly7anne

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

@robin_991

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

@charliedelta7

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.