What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on
Babies crying everywhere
Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!
Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?
Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him