Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

You Might Also Like


People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save


5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.


[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep


*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.


*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.


“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.


February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.


I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.


The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.


1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.