Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.
I got 4 hours of sleep.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
7: I’m beating you!
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.