Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“what that mouth do?” complain
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Ken is short for chicken
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no