@NotYourAunt_A

Woke up hearing my owl again. I continued to listen, and I heard another owl hoo-ing.

Since owls tend to mate for life, I thought “Aww.” Then I realized she was already telling him to STFU.

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@Parkerlawyer

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

@UncleDuke1969

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

@GrumpyBahr

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

@Adyaces

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

@skickwriter

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.

@thestlouisan

A movie about a surfer vs. a shark

but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.