@Andr6wMale

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

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@c12h22o11balls

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

@Henry_3k

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

@crownjuul

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

@linanneblack

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

@KeetPotato

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

@BrokenDollMcGee

random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then

@ThaJawn

Pro Tip

Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry

Try it

@RandomAntics

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

@GrillinChillin9

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

@ChicksRule

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree