i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out
woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
To avoid “the talk” I just convinced my 6yo that we got her from Amazon.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*
Being an adult is stupid.
22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette