@ProudFFAalumni

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

@RobDenBleyker

Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.

@Thedudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

@Owl_Meat

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

@bartandsoul

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

@CraigChamberlin

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

@EndhooS

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

@squirrel74wkgn

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

@JediGigi

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.