@ProudFFAalumni

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

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@donttouchjames

i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

@twayne1010

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

@AbbyHasIssues

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

@thecrabbyhook

To avoid “the talk” I just convinced my 6yo that we got her from Amazon.

@VerbsRProudest

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@yoyoha

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

@meganamram

22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!

@sliver_of

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

@McGrumpenstein

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette