Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.