Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You Might Also Like
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”