Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
All set.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
so weird how every mom was born today
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.