Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
You Might Also Like
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”