Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
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A family that plays together cheats.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I can also cook 😂
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.