Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I have never heard an armadillo before.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.