@AndyAsAdjective

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

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@Heatinblack

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

@NicCageMatch

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

@SteveSuckington

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

@squirrel74wkgn

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

@aissalanis

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

@grammar_c**t

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

@ipalatsky

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

@mommajessiec

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

@tsm560

I’ve had a pot of coffee and two energy drinks and you can’t even tell, I say from the ceiling