Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I’ve had relationships like this
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Spring cleaning checklist…
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.