@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

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@Manda_like_wine

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

@VisionBored1

I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”

@jergarl

[At urinal maker store]

Urinal maker: Let’s make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL.

Other urinal maker: K. LOL

@PatsATweetin

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

@VinnyPisciotta1

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

@reallifemommy3

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@C00LpenNAME

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

@HlessHman

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol