Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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This will teach them to underestimate me
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
#math
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?