@kelkulus

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

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@DrakeGatsby

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

@puffin7911

When I say to my kids “sit here and watch cartoons” they hear “come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy.”

@tastefactory

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

@JohnLyonTweets

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

@TheMichaelRock

According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.

*shrugs*

@robfee

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck, no one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.