Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

You Might Also Like


You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.


When I say to my kids “sit here and watch cartoons” they hear “come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy.”


BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail


Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.


Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.


According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.



Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck, no one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.


DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.