[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*