I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
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ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs